Bad Dreams & Nightmares15:09:00
This post is probably going to be a little more personal than usual although, given what happened last time I posted that kind of stuff on a blog, it won't be too much. After last nights sleep, I have been thinking a lot this morning about nightmare and bad dreams and what the difference is. Some people may just believe that every bad dream they have is a nightmare which in dictionary terms would probably be true since a nightmare is considered to be a 'very unpleasant dream' which is simply a bad dream but I see otherwise.
Personally I see it as a nightmare is a dream that scares you. The dream itself will often commonly compromise of something chasing you, a near death experience, being left alone in the middle of nowhere, etc. In effect, something in which your brain has creating something similar to an alternate universe, something that won't happen in real life. These you will most commonly have as a child. Those nights when your parents run in your room because you are screaming and they have to wake you up as they panic themselves hoping that you are ok.
As a kid I always had two nightmares that I would always remember, and still do. I was around 6 years old and I had the same nightmare multiple times but in each one I would always be the same age. The first was that my mum, dad and I went on holiday to the same hotel that we usually went to in Dominican Republic. It all started of happy and well until it felt like some time had passed and I found myself wondering around the tables and chairs that were set up near to the stage. Next thing I knew, I was shouting for my parents and literally no one was there. Nobody was left in the hotel except me. I hide under the tables, crying, hoping that my parents will come back for me. But all I hear are fearful foot steps, getting closer and closer, louder and louder, until I am forced to be completely quiet so whatever it was couldn't hear me. All I could do was hide and wait. I would silently cry until I found myself waking up in real life crying too out of shock.
The second nightmare I always used to have involved me being given a video (yes, an actual video because it was around the time DVDs didn't exist) for my birthday of our trip to the zoo the day before, of which I had no recollection of. I would put it into my video player and sit in my high bed and watch it. My vision zoomed into the video as though I was reliving everything that had been recorded. Once again the day started off fine until all of a sudden I was left without my parents again. My grandad was around so it was ok, or so I thought. He wonders off for a short while and I feel fine sat relaxing on a patch of grass where people sit and eat their picnics outside the lions den. I start hearing those same footstep again and notice my grandad coming back towards my. Something had changed though. His head was growing bigger and bigger every minute and he had the symbol Teal'c wore on his forehead in Stargate SG-1 (don't ask, my dad used to watch it when it was one so I caught bits of it). He was coming towards me so instinctively I ran as fast as I could to the nearest shelter to hide. The closest building was the Lions den, obviously not the best idea but I still went there. You walked in and had to go down stairs, so I did. It was a wooden staircase and in between each of the stairs were little lion cubs behind glass. The big lions were enclosed behind glass on one side of the wall. I felt safer than outside. That was until I could hear the footsteps again getting closer and as soon as I heard a menacing laugh the glass cases enclosing the lions began top open and they weren't too happy that they had been locked up, not surprised really. I started getting scared again so ran up the stairs away from the angry lions and lion cubs and locked the door behind me. I ran. And I kept running. Until I came out of watching the video like I had just woken up with a shock, realised it wasn't real and tried to calm down, still sat in my high bed. There's a knock on my bedroom door and it's my Grandad, looking exactly as he did in the video. Immediately I started screaming as I knew I had know way out. I was up in my high bed after all. And so I woke up in real life just as my grandad got near me. Scary shit right?! Or at least it was when I was a kid and your brain can make you think all sort of things when you're asleep and have no control. I don't have nightmare like that anymore.
These days I don't have those kinds of nightmares, as I was saying, I have bad dreams instead. If you know me well enough then you'll know I have incredibly weird dreams. Sometimes my mind makes up completely different worlds or simply puts two of my own together (eg. college and high school). Unlike nightmares, bad dreams you wake up from thinking that it could be real and it effects you for a short while afterwards, whereas with a nightmare, you'll wake up in shock and possibly crying, you'll wipe the tears, realised none of it can ever be real and carry on as normal. I rarely have bad dreams at all. They say eating cheese just before you go to bed can cause them but that has never been the case with me. Ok, I often have weird dreams if I eat cheese but sometimes I do that on purpose because some of my weir dreams are amusing and become funny stories to tell for a short while afterwards whilst I still remember them. Here's where it starts to get a bit more personal:
This morning I woke up from a bad dream practically in the middle of a panic attack. The last time I remember having a bad dream as such was about six months ago during a little power nap, shortly after my boyfriend and I got together. Worst idea to fall asleep freezing cold. I woke up in shock, causing my eyes to tear up a little, after dreaming that for some reason I was going to cheat on my boyfriend, I didn't and got myself really angry and upset about because I didn't want to so I went and told him and he got mad at me, even though nothing was done and I didn't want to do anything. He broke up with me and I was left helpless and lonely. That was it. I calmed myself down and mentioned it to my boyfriend and everything was fine because none of it was real, neither of us had plans to break up with each other etc. We are still together. The bad dream, I suppose, wasn't so unexpected seen as we had recently got together and you always have a few worries , even about yourself, when you first get together.
Last nights/this mornings bad dream was a whole lot worse. For starters, it was a whole lot more realistic. It started off not so bad but quickly turned evil. My parents were going out and asked if I had wanted to come with them so I asked if they could actually drop me off at my cousins seen as I had spoken to him in ages since our families stopped talking for reasons I am not going to go into detail about. Me and him are getting along really well, having a good ol' catch up talking about college and what's new in our life. All of a sudden my Auntie and Uncle come in and say "Oi, Kira, we've got you your present." It must have been a late Christmas or Birthday present or something. So politely I simply said "Oh right, thanks," as they threw it at me and I gave them a quick smile trying not to lose my temper. I opened it to find stack of small card with questions on them. They must have been quiz cards or something all about geography and science, most of which I knew nothing about. I didn't want to say anything because my cousin was still in the room. At some point I just got up and left, leaving the quiz cards behind, unwrapped. That section of the dream was probably the weirdest because there was no particular setting. Whether I woke up or not in between I am not sure. However the next part started getting more real. My dad had gone to bed at night and I was about the got to bed, but for some reason I was forced to sleep in my parents room. I wasn't feeling too well so my mum told me to sleep in their bed even though my dad was asleep in it. Their bed is really big enough for the three of us but she said she'd sleep in the blow-up-bed on the floor so I would have to sleep so close to my snoring dad. I started drifting off until I was hearing loud music and thumping downstairs, so I got up to see what it was. My whole family had descended in our back room and kitchen, blasting music out of the TV and throwing crisps and empty beer cans everywhere not cleaning up after themselves. The kids of the family were running round asking for more food and kicking balls around inside the house (I'm basically the only girl in my family so all the young kids are annoying little boys). All the adults were drunk. That is a nightmare in itself. I could find my mum so I went into the kitchen to get myself a drink before I started trying to sort things out, still not feeling to well. All the kids starting jumping up at me trying to get in the fridge to steal more of our food that we need. I didn't end up getting a drink. I remember trying to secretly shake the beer bottles so that if anyone got one out, it would go all over them, get what they deserve. I started trying to hide the food or at least put it high up where the kids couldn't reach it so they went and complained to their parents. I walked back into the room next to our kitchen to find my mum and told her sternly not to let anyone have anymore food. I walked into the back room and all of my family started glaring at me and I noticed my mum putting more food out on the table. She had completely ignored me. Certain members of my family then started having a go at me and for some reason I could respond. I couldn't stick up for myself, my mum was doing anything except be bossed around by everyone else. With my dad still in bed there was no one I could turn to for help. I wanted to ring my boyfriend to speak to him because I know he always make me feel better but I couldn't because he's in a different country. I couldn't even text him. I could feel my eyes start to tear up and a lump in my throat literally begin to sting until all I could do was run. I aimed to go upstairs. My dad had come down by this point and saw me begin running off. I got half way up the stairs when the door into the back room slammed so I turned around to find my dad trying to calm me down, but it was too late. I was having a serious panic attack. He grabbed hold of me and stood me up as I had fallen onto the stairs trying to catch my breath. He was trying to calm me down at least, but I couldn't and nothing he could do would calm me down. I was breathing extremely fast and so because I wasn't concentrating on anything he was saying, he smacked my rib as thought to push the air into me some how. Either way it woke me up. I literally felt like I had a heart attack. Even in real life I could catch my breath. I knew it was just a dream, not a good one mind you, but I couldn't snap myself out of it. I found myself lead in bed crying non-stop until I had no more tears for at least half and hour. Luckily I did have a message off my boyfriend so that calmed me down a little but I was still very shaken up.
What made me think was that unlike the made up worlds that are created in weird dreams and nightmares, this was real. My family, being ignored, not being able to stick up for myself, my ribs being bashed, a complete mess, wasted food, drunken adults, not being able to contact my boyfriend at all when at times like that I know he is probably one of the only people who can cheer me up and completely distract me from getting angry or stressed out. All of which I hate for one reason or another, with a passion, and each can make me incredibly angry. And often as I get angry, I get stressed out and as I get stressed out I start panicking because there is nothing I can do about it.
I always know that if in doubt, blogging seems to make me feel better. So I'm all good now, but it definitely took me a while to get over this one. Ah well, there you go. Done.
Soooooo ok byeeeeee :D
- KC xx