Hi all!          No matter how easy blogging can be and how many ideas I have got to write about, I still find it incredibly difficult t...

Pre-GapYear Depression

Hi all!

         No matter how easy blogging can be and how many ideas I have got to write about, I still find it incredibly difficult to post. The main reason being that to actually write anything, I have to be in the right mood and I have found that difficult recently. This post could get a little personal but I'm going to post it anyway because there may be a bunch of you going through the same thing or maybe you are just really nosy and want to know more about my life. Here goes:

          As you should know by now, I am taking a gap year. But what you may not know (I'm not sure if I have already mentioned it in a previous post) is that throughout my life I have always been driven by the dreams and aspirations I have and I always wanted to go straight to university because it would mean that I am one step closer. Choosing to not go to university this for me was a very difficult decision but it also seemed like the obvious answer considering how hard I have worked and the fact that I am determined to study the course that I want and not just some other course I get offered. Although it's nice to know I am finally going to get the break that I have been needing, in which I can do all sorts of stuff I have been wanting to do for ages, I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have no fixed plans, and for me that is horrible. I'm the sort of person who like to have everything organised so I know exactly what I am doing and what I need but the fact that I have a whole year ahead of me frightens me. I do need a job and trust me, I am trying so hard. So far I am getting nowhere with that. I have been shortlisted for a few jobs but I still haven't heard anything else. All these things that I want to do keep getting put off until I finally feel more secure in what I'm doing. I either can't do things until I've earned some money or I don't feel like I can because if I start something I won't be able to get into any kinda of routine and when I do, I'll forget about that thing. It's a vicious cycle and I don't like it. It's really getting me down. Among other things.
           In the UK, it was also A level results day yesterday which was nerve wrecking enough. Over the past week everyone has been counting down the days creating more and more nervous suspense. I had no idea how it was going to go and found it to be my worst ever results day. The actual results weren't bad but in comparison to every other results day I've had, it was the worst build up and I put it down to the fact that it was my last one and a lot of things depend on it. Being around people who were now so sure of what they are going to do in September made me incredibly jealous and I would even go as far as to say I was heartbroken, no matter how good my results were. It was probably one of the hardest days I have ever had to suffer through and even now as I type this out, I'm finding it difficult to hold back the tears. I did cry, multiple times, and then a whole lot when I was finally alone in my room at night. Many of my friends will be leaving come September, including my boyfriend and that honestly causes my mind and heart to shatter. I don't know how I will cope with it and that unknown scare the sh*ts out of me. I hate it. Yesterday was the day when everything kind of kicked in. I have no university place, no job, my boyfriend will be off on his own in 5 weeks time, I still can't legally drive, I have nowhere to go and I'm constantly stuck at home. Being someone who wants to travel and explore the world, nine times out of ten I feel trapped with the four walls that make up my own bedroom. I feel claustrophobic. This is definitely getting personal now but I'm sure there is someone else out there who is possibly going through the same thing. It is not a pleasant feeling.
         So, all in all, I have recently been feel rather down not giving me any kind of motivation to write any blog posts just in case something personal like this one happens. Making YouTube videos isn't as bad because being a drama student, I find it easier to act happier but when it comes to writing things down, everything starts to flow out. What I feel like I really need is some time spent with the people that make me the happiest and some time spent away visiting other places, at least then I won't feel like this summer holidays has been wasted as much as it already has been.

Not got much more to say. Well, I probably do but I best get it to myself. I have been posting YouTube videos regularly so please do go check them out if you haven't already!

And I have also created a Facebook page that you can like in order to keep updated with everything I do and upload so if you could go like that, that would really help me spread the word!

Thank you!
See you later and soon with more blog posts and more YouTube videos!
-KC x

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