Hello Towards the end of July I got really excited about my blogging and planned out three months worth of post knowing I have plenty o...

A bad mental health day


Towards the end of July I got really excited about my blogging and planned out three months worth of post knowing I have plenty of content to talk about. I thought I would do a blog a day since I have a lot of free time at the moment (it's summer and I decided not to get a job) but a few days into August, I chose otherwise. I thought it was probably better for me not to pressure myself into having to blog so much or else I will stress myself out too much. I have plenty of other things I could be doing in the meantime. Then every now and again I suddenly realise that I actually haven't blogged in a while, with or without a lot on my plate. 

mental health, fitness, exercise, panic attack, depression, anxiety

I have struggled a lot with my mental health over the past year and I suppose I'm not one to talk about it because I can't help think that people are worse off than me. That said I talk about it plenty with my boyfriend and I'm not afraid to open up and say I'm having a bad day or that I had a bad day. Back in 2016 I was diagnosed, after multiple visits to the doctor, with mild chronic depression. I don't tend to say that out loud a lot (if I do mention it, I just say I struggled in 2016 or that it was a bad year). I was in a huge slump. A lot of things happened. I suppose they were only minor but bit by bit they built up and I couldn't handle it very well. The doctor tried to prescribe me pills but I through the prescription away, refusing to add any substances to my body that would make me better. It wasn't just like having a bit of a cold. I decided it was something I would have to get out of myself and eventually I started university and things started changing. I didn't particularly enjoy it at first but the routine kept me ok and having my boyfriend around was a huge help. I also took on some big challenges (raising money to climb Kilimanjaro) which gave me goals to stick to. Around Christmas time I decided I would stop taking the contraceptive pill I was on and slowly but surely, after a few month I felt a lot better. I was having less mood swings and was overall, a lot happier. I had a holiday booked to Dominican Republic and a trip to Tanzania planned. Summer was going to be great. And it definitely was. I enjoyed every second of it. 

tanzania, zanzibar, beach, holiday, kilimanjaro, raising money, charity, travel,
I kept to my goal of raising money and I went to Tanzania!
Come second year and I felt a lot more motivated. I was living in a house with just my boyfriend and it felt like our own little place and I didn't have to worry about other people's mess. There were struggles for us to get fully used to each other living together and it was hard but we got passed it until everything fell down over Christmas. My courses were going well except one class in which I was pulling a lot of the load and it was incredibly stressful. I pushed through it though and ended up getting the highest mark in the year in one module (I got a letter congratulating me recently).

But like I said, everything fell down over Christmas and the start of the new year was one of the worst, if not the worst I can remember. I spent most days with puffy eyes from crying. Doing what I could to get out of the house, which often resorted in going to night clubs. I had essay due in but I couldn't bring myself to do them, even if I had done all the research. I ended up finishing each of them at 4am the night before it was due in when normally I'd have them done by at least 11pm the night before. Somehow I still managed to get good grades on them but that didn't make any difference to how shit I was feeling everyday. The second semester started up again and I did manage to get into a routine again but it didn't really help. The added stress of one particular module where I often had people complaining at me left, right and centre everyday and again, a large work load, did not help. I suppose no one knew what I was going through and I think most people just presumed I was ok as I turned up for everything and still did my work (that's just me though). Some people wouldn't turn up because they were tired and yet it was highly likely that I had been crying until 3/4 in the morning and then got up and ready for 9am. I was juggling a lot. 

That said, there were some nice times where I would go out for a drink with some friends, or I'd force myself to stop everything and just watch TV. It got to the point where, in an effort to make myself relax, I would make myself watch a lot of TV at night and stuff my face full of chocolate if I was feeling the slightest bit down. I got involved with some amazing things performance wise and I'm glad I did. But before and during all that, the next lot of essay came around and between a large workload and troubles at home, I was crashing. Crashing hard. There were multiple times where I decided I'd get mitigating circumstances or an extension on an essay but instead, even though I had the form ready, I'd once again stay up all night doing an entire essay. This time round I wasn't as successful in marks and my feedback said it seemed rushed but I was just glad I got it in and luckily overall I still came out with a solid first.

All this meant that when I moved back home from uni, I promised myself that for the first and last time, I would not get a job over summer. I would do a TEFL qualification so I had something to work towards. I would read. I would go outside. I would explore the local area. I would do all the things I had been wanting to do for ages. That wasn't as simple as it sounded though.

Because of how I've been over the past year. I've still been really struggling with my mental health. It has left me feeling incredibly unmotivated and dreary for days straight. I often don't want to get out of bed. Or in a lot of case, I genuinely struggle to get up. Instead I find myself stuck in yet another anxiety dream where I'm lost, or I'm fighting to be heard, or people closest to me don't like me, etc. I can't help it. I've tried everything. Not eating before going to sleep, drinking water, drinking tea, reading a book, you name it! I also often struggle to get to sleep for hours on end. I will lie there tossing and turning, finding aches I didn't know I had. I don't think it's particularly anything I can help. I have no real routine at the moment and I know that doesn't help. I have been trying to make an effort to exercise, play my guitar or piano, work on my TEFL, read fiction and non-fiction books. Some days it's great. I found myself just the other day clearly out the attic, completely tidying and sorting it out, ready to be redecorated. Then the next day I got a load of my TEFL done. The day after that though, the second I woke up I felt down. I couldn't explain it. I just felt on edge and that I was about the cry but I didn't know what about. I kind of just wanted to curl up in a ball and let the day go by. And that happens more than I'd probably like the say. I get shouted at quite a lot because I get up late but often I can't help it and really I'm just thankful I woke up at all, especially if I manage to get something done during the day.

cow, wildlife, grass, farm, settle, mental health, travel, yorkshire, skipton, walking, hiking
I have explored a little this summer. Maybe not as much as I would have liked. This photo was taken on our recent trip to Settle and surrounding areas. A very nosey cow!
I don't know what more I can say about it all. It's important for people to take note that though someone may appear entirely happy when you're with them, they may be the complete opposite elsewhere. Sometimes I just put on the smiley face so no one will talk to me about it. Other times I am actually genuinely happy. I'm the sort of person that no matter how I am feeling, if I have something important to attend, I'll be there. It's very rare that I will miss a seminar and if I do it's because I've had no sleep, and I feel like crap mentally. Physically, I could be full of a cold, but as long as my head is straight, then I'll be there.

I really wanted to write this as I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Obviously it's so important to talk about mental health but sometimes we forget that the people closest to you may be suffering. Or that someone may be suffering in a different way to you. Or that the smallest thing you do to a person could affect there whole day. It's so different from person to person! I hate feeling that what I'm going through is nothing really and so I always bottle it up. 

I recently had a panic attack just as I was about to leave a busy car park, I had already paid so I had to leave as soon as possible, I was trying to control myself whilst driving and it lead me to not trust myself. I was struggling to see the road clearly through my tears and I could barely breathe. I was one of the most terrifying things as I was alone and didn't know what to do. Luckily I was able to park in a short stay car park of the train station next door to where I was. Eventually I calmed down enough to drive home. I didn't feel right for the rest of the day and the day after. Almost felt like I was on a come down or something. Constantly feeling knackered from all the energy I'd used up during it all. It is never nice. I do wish it would stop but I know it probably won't for a long time. Until then all I can keep doing what I can to make myself happy and know that when my bad days do come around, I shouldn't be annoyed at myself. It is not my fault. Something everyone should remember!

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It's coming up to the end of summer and I'm still working on my goals but I know that the second I get back to uni, some things are going to change to prevent any of the past year repeating itself.
  • I'm going to get myself a gym membership and work out regularly. Every day if I have to. From all the stuffing myself throughout the past six months, and the fact that I badly twisted my ankle in January so I've been out of sports, I have put on quite a bit of weight. Although I still don't think I'm fat or anything, I am my heaviest I've ever been and I do hate to look at myself in the mirror. Trying on clothes has just been a nightmare and I have never felt so self-conscious. It's time I start doing something about it. I know how good it feels to exercise and feel good about yourself so I want to get back to that. I've been having such bad months that I haven't felt motivated to exercise at all. I've been scouring twitter and instagram for fitness motivation and I think I'm finally ready. I'm trying to keep to a decent routine at home but it is always difficult but I know that as soon as I'm back at uni I will work it into my routine. I made my own fitness instagram just to share my fitness journey to keep me motivated! Hopefully by Christmas when I go on holiday, I will feel confident in my own body once again!
  • Continuing from that, I am going to make myself a proper routine. One where I give myself time to study, exercise, go out, relax, etc. It will be difficult because I know my uni timetable changes a lot but if I can work out my morning routines at least, it will be a start.
  • Get myself an easy part-time job. It is necessary if I want to go on to do my masters degree. I need to start earning and saving up money. I did have a job at the beginning of last year but it was hard work and often late nights. It was never a permanent routine either so hopefully I will find a job where I know I will be working every Saturday, for example, 9 to 5. I'd happily work in retail or something. I just want to avoid shift work. On top of everything else, it can often get too stressful.

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All in all, I just want to keep myself as motivated as possible. I want to feel good in my own body and know that I'm financially stable, that will then be at least a few things check of the list and less to worry about. Then I can look forward to my holiday and not worry so much about getting things done. Right now I feel incredibly motivated to do all that, though I still have about a month until I start back at uni. Not going to lie, I am scared that I won't manage it, but that makes me even more motivated at this point. Until then, all I can do is keep going with my summer goals and do a little bit at a time to feel that bit better, and make the most out of my free time.

I know this is quite a long post but I suppose it's nice to get it off my chest. I encourage everyone to find a way they can get things off their chest. Mine just happens to be my blog!

See you later,
- KC xx

*Disclaimer: There are probably plenty of spelling or grammar mistakes in this but I don't really fancy reading it back through to proof read it because of the subject. Maybe some other time. In the meantime, please forgive my quick typing skills.

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